Sunday was hard - I was really having trouble walking but it was just my feet, oh my legs were a little stiff but nothing compared to me feet. I am really proud of the fact that I ran and finished a half marathon length run - except for my feet reminding me of it I have trouble believing I could and did do it. I am not happy with myself for doing what I did to my feet. I really like running but I love riding and I missed two rides I really want to do because I injured myself and one of them was already paid for - I have no one to blame but myself and even though I will still be running and working on improving I will not be doing it so that I will affect my riding again except for the Galloway runs on Saturday - I need those and will just have to give up Saturday rides until I can get to the point where I can do up to a ten mile run and still do some sort of ride in the afternoon - I am missing my riding.
I had trouble with depression again on Sunday, I am not sure if it was from not riding, having to miss the ride, not doing any sort of exercise or all of them but I was down. I am pleased with how exercising seems to keep me from being depressed but trouble that one day off or at least a forced day off affects me so much. Coming to work today seems to have helped some I guess just leaving the house or just moving helps. I did not walk this morning and will not walk at mid day today either but do plan to try to run tonight with Tir Na nOg - I may not be able to but I am going there dressed and prepared to run and go there to see if I can at least do something. I really need to do something. Riding Sunday would have been so great but my feet were just too sore.
One good thing - in spite of the depression I manage to stay with my Zone food plan and even though I ate everything I was suppose to and was drinking to make sure I was hydrating properly after the Saturday run I lost weight. This morning I weighted 315.4 pounds - almost a two pound lose - I assume some of it was from the run and the rest was from the repair my body has been doing - it was a surprise and I weighted twice just to make sure. So I have now lost 94.6 pounds. 5.4 pound to reach 100 pounds lose - it almost makes all the pain worth it - not really. But is is a silver lining to the aftermath of my half marathon.
While I was wallowing in my depression I was thinking a lot about the fact of how hard it is just not having someone to talk to. I no longer believe I will meet a lady who will become a companion. Not that I do not know several I would like to get to know better. But in the past whenever I have made even the smallest suggestion that someone and myself might get to know each other better they seem to disappear from the face of the earth. You know I could handle 'Sorry I just do not feel that way about you' and lot better that the vanishing act. I understand it - there are some crazy people in this world and I guess it seems safer but it sure hurts. So for the few who are at least friendly to me now I will not seek anything beyond friendship. It seems to be the most I can hope for. I see some many of my friends with their mates and wonder if they know how good they have it no matter what their problems might be.
I have been in love with three ladies in my life but after some time in a relationship with me they all left me, since it is unlikely that all three of them were wrong and at least one has been in another relationship for years it must be me that is wrong. I know this sounds like a pity party but I did say this was how I was feeling during my depression Sunday and I am doing better today. I am not sure why but I feel like I need to write in down - maybe it will help me get past it.
Truth is I would really like to meet someone and have met a couple of very nice single ladies and have become at little friendly with them but with them and with anyone else I meet I will not take the relationship beyond friendship because I just will not take the chance of losing them as a friend. Of course this means I will never likely be anything but friends with anyone because I assume they would expect me to make a move that I just will not take a chance of any longer.
I also have changed a lot is the last two years - I still prefer women on the slightly larger side not really big just not skinny or thin also now would like them to be fit. I do believe one can be fit and not be thin. I would want them to be interested in they own fitness and healthy eating habits. I do not expect them to be saints just not junk food junkies. Seems like I am making a difficult task almost impossible. Oh well I guess this is the kind of stuff that I get into thinking about when I get depressed.
I am glad my feet are getting better - I want to go ride or run.
